It was the third week of quarantine when I finally lost it. After 18 days of being at home, inside, with the same people, looking out the same window, day after day, with only gloomy weather to be found. From feelings of motivation for productivity, to exhaustion though I’d been getting more sleep than ever, I grew increasingly disoriented. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, but there I stood on the sidewalk in front of my house, sobbing.
That day I had been unusually irritable, overly hungry and feeling a heightened sense of emotional sensitivity. For reasons I can't remember, and couldn't name at the time, I had been angry with my husband the night before, and then felt the same contempt toward my son the next day. Unable to turn off the inner rage toward my favorite people, and once again, convinced that I was alone, and no one cared, I retreated to my room to untangle the mass of emotional mess that I was feeling inside.
In an attempt to regulate my emotions, I sat at my desk, and turned on Lauren Daigle’s song, “Rescue”. Its a "go to" for me when I'm feeling alone in my shame. Her words began to wash over me.
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS …
There it is. Music. A salve to my wounded soul. I sat there with my eyes closed, letting the words and harmony wash over me like a silk blanket. Suddenly, my peace was disrupted by loud noises coming from outside. I quickly went to the window where I saw my son running into the cul de sac to witness the excitement. Along the road, a band of honking vehicles pouring through our street. Cars, vans and SUVs filled with teachers, their families, stuffed animals, dogs and balloons and signs of good cheer.
As I watched the outpouring of love for my son and our community, the words continued to play through my phone.
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
That’s when I lost it. I’m not sure which happened first but my heart jumped through my chest, and buckets of tears streamed down my face. Almost hyperventilating, and as fast as I could, I ran downstairs and out the front door to great our army.
As the parade of teachers slowly passed by, a myriad of emotions continued to surface. Grief. Fear. Confusion. Gratitude. There I stood, unable to stop crying, thinking about the lyrics I had just heard, that reverberated the sound of truth.
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
That is what God does. He shows up in the darkest hour. For each of us, holding the emotions that have needed to be untangled for days, perhaps weeks. Maybe, years.
It wasn’t my husband nor my son that had been causing me anger. It was unprocessed grief and anxiety that was coming out sideways. I was fortunate enough to have the song, and the parade connect in perfect timing, helping me to see what I was needing, which was connection.
COVID-19 has brought us both challenge and invitation. It is all disorienting and requires a lot of intention. Your emotions and your needs are valid, whatever they may be. Will you stop and allow yourself time and space to untangle what you are feeling? You are worth it, and so is your family.
Listen to Lauren Daigle's "Rescue", here.